Mood Swings

Everyone knows how freakin' awesome I am. I really don't hide that fact. I can bench-press a car and I make the world's best duck flambe. But I'm going to tell you a little secret. Sometimes I'm not so sure of myself. I know.... just shocking. I am only human (for now) so I think that it's only natural to have a little self doubt now and then. Hell, the phrase "only human" plainly states that there are short comings to being part of this species. I have days where I'm completely ready to take on the world with teeth bared and fire in my belly. I'll think to myself that not a fucking thing can touch me because there's nothing I can't do. I'm really articulate and funny and smart and handsome and a great driver. But I'll tell you right now that stubbing your toe on a dresser that hasn't moved for 4 years can put a damper on that pretty damn fast. When that happens, you are not smooth, or smart, and your vocabulary shrinks to about 4 monosyllabic words. Obviously a dresser is not the only thing that can cut a man down to size. Today I stared at a balance sheet for half an hour trying to figure out why it wouldn't balance. I won't bore you with the details of why that's a bad thing but I'm sure you can figure out why a BAAALAANCE sheet should BAAALAANCE. I've spent two years of my life looking at balance sheets and when you can't make it balance, it's a real kick in the pride. And I know that everyone has those days. I've had lengthy conversations with people from my class or my coworkers that talk about the moment of transcendence that occurs when you finally find the magic number that you're trying to achieve. It's really nerdy but damn, you feel good when you get there. But when you don't, oh man do you ever feel like shit. Maybe I have a mild case of CDO (that's OCD but the letters are in alphabetical order... as they SHOULD be) but it's not acceptable to me to be out of balance. For ever yin there is a yang. For every black there is a white. For every debit there must be a credit and when there isn't, I sink slowly into depression.

But this is a phase that will pass, right? Of course not. Certainly i'll get better at my job but there's no way that I'm ever going to believe that I have the world by the short and curlies. And if I do ever start acting like that, you have my permission to knock me down a peg. It's part of being mortal. Everyone has to face the fact that they have limitations. And the fact that people make mistakes. Nobody's perfect, everyone else deserves to be forgiven for a slip up now and then. But at the same time, I do my best not to make my shortcomings super public. I do believe that if you project an air of confidence, you will become more confident. So i do my best to tell people how awesome i am. After you've said it, you're forced to put up or shut up. And I'll do a lot of things in this life, but shut up is not one of them.

I read an article a while ago about the personality traits of successful managers, which is something that I aspire to be. They compared them to psychopaths, which is something that I'm not super-excited to be. However I can see the connection there and I can even understand why that might be necessary in order to run a successful company. Two parts of the article really stuck with me. The first part laid out quite clearly how managers have a hard time forming relationships with other people because it would make it harder for them to fire someone they were strong friends with, or take a promotion over them. I've said it before and I'll probably say it again: I don't mind stepping over someone else to get a promotion. However, it never occurred to me that that might be a friend someday, which would certainly throw a wrench in the works. The second part was that successful managers had a strong connection to power animals. You're likely to find large pictures of powerful animals in their offices or homes. Animals such as lions, tigers, eagles or wolves. I know that I've loved tigers since I was a kid but in the last few years I've also found myself admiring lions as well. I'm not saying that I'm manager material because I like big cats. That's a far cry. And as bad as it sounds to start emulating those personality traits in order to get ahead in life, it might be just so crazy that it will work. I do draw the line at murder though. That's a little much. A little.