Mood Swings

Everyone knows how freakin' awesome I am. I really don't hide that fact. I can bench-press a car and I make the world's best duck flambe. But I'm going to tell you a little secret. Sometimes I'm not so sure of myself. I know.... just shocking. I am only human (for now) so I think that it's only natural to have a little self doubt now and then. Hell, the phrase "only human" plainly states that there are short comings to being part of this species. I have days where I'm completely ready to take on the world with teeth bared and fire in my belly. I'll think to myself that not a fucking thing can touch me because there's nothing I can't do. I'm really articulate and funny and smart and handsome and a great driver. But I'll tell you right now that stubbing your toe on a dresser that hasn't moved for 4 years can put a damper on that pretty damn fast. When that happens, you are not smooth, or smart, and your vocabulary shrinks to about 4 monosyllabic words. Obviously a dresser is not the only thing that can cut a man down to size. Today I stared at a balance sheet for half an hour trying to figure out why it wouldn't balance. I won't bore you with the details of why that's a bad thing but I'm sure you can figure out why a BAAALAANCE sheet should BAAALAANCE. I've spent two years of my life looking at balance sheets and when you can't make it balance, it's a real kick in the pride. And I know that everyone has those days. I've had lengthy conversations with people from my class or my coworkers that talk about the moment of transcendence that occurs when you finally find the magic number that you're trying to achieve. It's really nerdy but damn, you feel good when you get there. But when you don't, oh man do you ever feel like shit. Maybe I have a mild case of CDO (that's OCD but the letters are in alphabetical order... as they SHOULD be) but it's not acceptable to me to be out of balance. For ever yin there is a yang. For every black there is a white. For every debit there must be a credit and when there isn't, I sink slowly into depression.

But this is a phase that will pass, right? Of course not. Certainly i'll get better at my job but there's no way that I'm ever going to believe that I have the world by the short and curlies. And if I do ever start acting like that, you have my permission to knock me down a peg. It's part of being mortal. Everyone has to face the fact that they have limitations. And the fact that people make mistakes. Nobody's perfect, everyone else deserves to be forgiven for a slip up now and then. But at the same time, I do my best not to make my shortcomings super public. I do believe that if you project an air of confidence, you will become more confident. So i do my best to tell people how awesome i am. After you've said it, you're forced to put up or shut up. And I'll do a lot of things in this life, but shut up is not one of them.

I read an article a while ago about the personality traits of successful managers, which is something that I aspire to be. They compared them to psychopaths, which is something that I'm not super-excited to be. However I can see the connection there and I can even understand why that might be necessary in order to run a successful company. Two parts of the article really stuck with me. The first part laid out quite clearly how managers have a hard time forming relationships with other people because it would make it harder for them to fire someone they were strong friends with, or take a promotion over them. I've said it before and I'll probably say it again: I don't mind stepping over someone else to get a promotion. However, it never occurred to me that that might be a friend someday, which would certainly throw a wrench in the works. The second part was that successful managers had a strong connection to power animals. You're likely to find large pictures of powerful animals in their offices or homes. Animals such as lions, tigers, eagles or wolves. I know that I've loved tigers since I was a kid but in the last few years I've also found myself admiring lions as well. I'm not saying that I'm manager material because I like big cats. That's a far cry. And as bad as it sounds to start emulating those personality traits in order to get ahead in life, it might be just so crazy that it will work. I do draw the line at murder though. That's a little much. A little.

From the Mouths of Babes

Here's some of my favourite quotes from my niece Marlee:

1) (While watching scared Shrekless on my computer)

Marlee: Uncle Danny, do you like chocolate milk?

Me: Yeah, I love chocolate milk.

Marlee: Me too (returns to watching movie)

2) (While playing angry birds with grandma, Marlee gets to a level she's never seen before)

Marlee: what the hell is this?

3) (While getting ready to go home at the end of the night)

Ted: (getting frustrated) Marlee! Get your crap on, it's time to go.

Marlee: (to me) Hang on, I've got to get my crap on.

The Mondays

I hate people who hate Mondays. Even worse are the people who "get a case of the Mondays." There are 7 days in a week, and you want to hate one of them? Living 1/7th of your life pissed off because of the natural order of time? In an 80 year life that's nearly 11 and a half years that you spend just sucking. And I'm sure you don't hate every Monday that rolls around but if you even say it once a month you can just fuck off. If you have a genuine reason for hating Mondays, say every Monday is when your wife takes your child support payment equal to 9/10th of your pay cheque then sure, hate Mondays all you want. Until then, shut your trap and stop breathing my air!

The whole Blah damn thing

So my Dad subscribes to "The Observer" which is a Christian magazine. And I don't have a problem with that. Freedom of Religion is what makes this one of the greatest countries in the world. But seeing various copies of this magazine sitting around my house has got me to wondering how well accepted an Atheist magazine would go over. There must be one out there somewhere. Can't you just imagine the cover of Atheist's Quarterly with a picture of a man on his couch watching the power-block hour on Spike T.V. with a bottle of Gatorade (to fight off the hangover of course). Check out page 27 for "New Things To Do On Sundays" or page 42 for "Satellite T.V.: A Better Dish To Put Money In."

Just a few weeks ago I found out the difference between Atheist (someone who denies the existence of God) and Agnostic (someone who doubts the existence of God). I personally don't like to be labeled with either (not that I'm against being labeled. I'm labeled a lot of things, I just prefer not to have a religion). If I had to pick one or the other I'd have to say I'm Agnostic. I can't say there is no God because no one knows for certain. I just can't confirm that there is one either.

"Why don't you believe in God?" This is a question that I've answered many times to many different people and sadly to too many deaf ears. Because people who ask that question don't really want to know the answer. And it feels like a very patronizing thing when they ask that question, one which is easily the most debated question in history (skipping that thing about chickens and eggs (hint, it was the egg)) and then they don't like your answer. I wouldn't ask you, "what's your favorite colour?" and then get pissed when you say "blue." My answer is, and has always been "I don't believe in God, because I just don't know" by which I mean, that I have never seen any evidence to show me that there is a God. For fuck sakes there's video of Big Foot but in today's technological world, where Kim Kardashian can't take a non-video taped shit, we can't catch a glimpse of the Big Man? Why don't I believe in God? I've got a better question: Why DO you believe in God? The burden of proof really should lie in the believer, shouldn't it? If I told you I saw a unicorn today you'd think I were insane, but why don't you believe me? You obviously can't prove I didn't see one. But when it comes to God, it's a matter of faith. That's what will save your soul.

I went to church as a kid with my parents. The average Sunday we would sit upstairs for a little while, stand up, sing, sit down, pray, stand up, pray, sit down, listen, pray, sing, stand up, sit down, and then it would be time for the kids to come up to the front, listen to the minister for a little bit and then go down stairs to listen to some stories, colour some pictures, sing some songs etc. And I didn't always pay attention but I had the basic idea that there was once this guy, Jesus, who was a pretty nice guy, loved a lot of people, and that he died, and then came back for a bit, and then went to Heaven. Not the most captivating story but if you sit still long enough you could have some cookies. Well in the end, all I really took from Sunday school was that this was a story. Not history. And as I got older and absorbed more about religion than what I learnt at church it sort of dawned on me that the world doesn't argue over history the way they do over religion. We share a history, we fight over a religion. There have been thousands of Gods in the past and you want to "get all up in my grill" because I believe in one less than you do? You're almost as much an atheist as I am! But I have reason to believe that animals evolved, and big bangs made the planets, and I like boobs because it's my natural instinct.

I would never want to shake someone else's faith. I don't particularly like the God conversation because all it takes is one little seed of doubt to take hold and grow like a virus pulling the walls of your faith down. And it doesn't hurt to have faith. For people that have got it, rock on. There is always someone there for you to turn to, whereas I have to pay a shrink a couple hundred dollars an hour to listen to how shitty my job is. And even if I ask her to fix it, she's just going to make a not on a pad and add it to my file. Faith is a lot like love: it can grow, and it can fade, you can find it or lose it, it can build slowly or shatter in an instant. And just like love, you can't force it and you can't fake it. It's either there or it's not.

Why don't I believe in God?........ I guess that's just the way God made me.

DB

The Impossible List

Last summer, Esquire magazine devoted an issue to the the impossible. It was full of articles on impossible things like the sky dive from space that red bull is sponsoring, or living with a house full of ants (you'll never get the idea of drinking a glass of water full of ants out of your head after hearing Tom Junod describe it. http://www.esquire.com/features/argentine-ant-control-0810), and how there is a point in every man's life when it becomes impossible to feel good about winning an argument with your father. So just to expand on that list, here are some things that are impossible.

It is impossible to listen to "low rider" by War without feeling like you're a pimp.

It is impossible to to find a job. And it is impossible to be rejected for a month and a half without taking it personally.

It's impossible to forget your first kiss.

It is impossible to get a dozen friends to agree on one restaurant for dinner.

Thanks to jeopardy, it is impossible to watch any trivia show and not shout the answers in the form of a question.

It's impossible to read "of mice and men" without loving Lenny, and crying at the end.

It's impossible to believe that Ozzy Osbourne is still alive, let alone still making music. Damn good music.

It's impossible to take Lady Gaga seriously in any form. You're not an artist, you're not cool, you're not modern. You're a moron.

It's impossible to think that there's ever going to be another movie made that isn't a sequel or in 3D. Seriously, what the fuck hollywood? We don't need another Ice Age or Beverly Hills Chihuahua.

It's impossible to stay off of Facebook. It sucks your soul straight through your face.

It's impossible to imagine life without a cell phone.

It's impossible to ever have as much fun as you did the first time you played with a slinkey.

It's impossible to be the coolest person you know. If you think you are... well there's your proof.

It's impossible to win the lottery.

The Soundtrack to my life

I've been a bad blogger. I've been inconsistent with the topics I write about. I've made promises that I don't keep. I've never stuck to a deadline or written on a regular basis. I'm sure my spelling and grammar are atrocious. And I wish I could blame that on being busy with work or school but the fact is that since starting my blog I've only written 4, and worse, I've only published 3. Mostly due to laziness, partly due to a lack of self confidence in my writing. When ideas start swirling around in my head of topics to write about they seem to flow almost lyrically. But as I go along putting them down on paper or typing them out here they seem to lose their luster. Maybe it's because the internal monologue that narrates my life occasionally speaks in the voice of either Christopher Walken, or Sean Connery (depending on the day of the week and just how much charisma is needed to get me through the business at hand) and attempting to translate that into the distinguished art of blogging seems to insult the nature of these two fine Gentlemen. And as I'm sure that both of them frequently Google themselves to find references to their names in recent blogs, when they read this I want to do them no injustice. So to remedy this I've decided to just follow the lead of pretty much every other blogger on the planet and make some kind of list.

This is the soundtrack to my life. Every time I hear these songs I'm reminded strongly of something I was doing at a time when I heard them.

1) Born to Be Wild- Steppenwolf: When I was 16 and had recently received my G1 license my uncle let me drive his brand new convertible Mustang with this blaring at full blast (as all music should be listened to). I may not have followed the speed limit. I definitely didn't get caught.

2) Your Spirits Alive - Dropkick Murphys: On my first trip to Baldwin to go skydiving we listened to the entire warriors code album and Your Spirits Alive really stuck out in my mind as I was getting ready to jump.

3) Copperhead Road- Steve Earls: My brother used to own a really nice blue truck. It was a lowered chevy s10 that had so many different motors put through it I don't even remember which one was in it at the time he took me for a drive. he put on Copperhead Road and started heading down some back roads. I don't know exactly how fast we were going because the speedometer only went up to 220 km/h.

4) Knockin' on Heavens Door- Bob Dylan: when my niece Marlee was born I made a short video of her and I set it to the intro of Knockin' on Heavens Door.

5) Rocket Man- Elton John: this brings back strong, it not hazy, memories of the Hawaiian party I threw at my house and the lovely rendition that I did with my best friends. An entire night wrapped up in one intense song.

6) My Hero- Foo Fighters: Reminds me of my father

7) Could Not Ask For More- Edwin McCain: This is the first song I ever slow danced to. It was with Jessica Lisk, who i grew up with and eventually took to prom.

8) Numb- Linkin Park: I don't know where we were going but i remember being in a car with Ted, Alissa, their friend Brent and his girlfriend Ashley and listening to Numb at full blast. It was really dark out and the inside of the car was glowing blue. The speakers were right behind the seat and it tickled me when the bass pounded. I remember we were going really fast again.

9) 3 am- Matchbox 20: We listened to this continuously one May 24 weekend while staying at Scott's grandparent's cottage at Sauble Beach. I was really sick with some kind of flue and had to go home early. A real shame since we were freezing our asses off the for the first 2 nights.

10) Comfortably Numb- Pink Floyd: This was playing on the radio while I got my first (and hopefully not last) tattoo.

11) Audience of One- Rise Against: I downloaded Rise Against's new album hours before getting on the bus that would take me to the airport to go to Spain to visit Erica and I listened to the whole album over and over again while I was there. Now every time I hear a song from it, it reminds me of Spain.

These are the ones that stick out in my mind the most. Here are a few more that don't really have a back story but that still mean a lot to me.

Nights I Can't Remember, Friends I'll Never Forget- Toby Keith

If Everyone Cared- Nickelback (I know... please don't judge me)

Tuesday's Gone- Lynyrd Skynyrd

Beast Of Burden- The Rolling Stones

Bittersweet Symphony- The Verve

Walking in Memphis- Marc Cohn

Accidentally In Love- Counting Crows

Fly Away- Lenny Kravits

Video Killed the Radio Star- the Presidents of the United States of America

Vandalism and Lemonade Pt 1

So the school year is over and I'm home for the summer. It has been an interesting year and if I were to describe it with one word it would be "enlightening". There were a lot of things I learnt this year, both academic and life lessons that I'm sure I've already forgotten due to the massive amount of alcohol consumed on my last day. I just wanted to take a few minutes to talk about some of the more prominent lessons of this past year (and I may slip in one or two things from years ago). I'm going to write this in parts, one lesson today, and one each day over the next few days. Hope you like them.

The first lesson I want to talk about is a life lesson. Around Christmas I was sitting in the student study lounge (rarely frequented by students, ironically) and I over heard one of my classmates, Mary, having a conversation about life, the universe, and everything with the guy that had convinced me to join the program I was in. He was in the second year of the program, which means that he has now graduated. I'll admit I was eavesdropping for a while but eventually I joined in on the conversation to listen to what he had to say. Among the topics of discussion he talked about were God/ religion, stereotypes, technology, and life overall. Within a half hour of listening to him, I'm pretty sure I would have followed him anywhere. He had a way of speaking that made everything he said make sense. There are a few things he said that I remember but the one thing that I absolutely loved is "we're all waiting for the one big thing in our life to happen. You can live your whole life without a big thing but if you ever want to write your life story, you need a big thing. Without it, your story is just a series of anecdotes that people will read in the bathroom, and can set down at any time.... no real story worth remembering." That is something I find very substantial. I don't intend to write my life story any time soon, but even this blog is just a series of anecdotes. There's nothing big that they all centre around or have in common. They are just the preambles of a "Gentleman". The half hour I spent talking to Phil and Mary was a conversation that I think I'll remember for a long time. It gave me new perspectives on God, stereotypes, technology, and where life is going, and how you're going to direct it. It's something we should all think about on a regular basis.