The Mondays

I hate people who hate Mondays. Even worse are the people who "get a case of the Mondays." There are 7 days in a week, and you want to hate one of them? Living 1/7th of your life pissed off because of the natural order of time? In an 80 year life that's nearly 11 and a half years that you spend just sucking. And I'm sure you don't hate every Monday that rolls around but if you even say it once a month you can just fuck off. If you have a genuine reason for hating Mondays, say every Monday is when your wife takes your child support payment equal to 9/10th of your pay cheque then sure, hate Mondays all you want. Until then, shut your trap and stop breathing my air!

The whole Blah damn thing

So my Dad subscribes to "The Observer" which is a Christian magazine. And I don't have a problem with that. Freedom of Religion is what makes this one of the greatest countries in the world. But seeing various copies of this magazine sitting around my house has got me to wondering how well accepted an Atheist magazine would go over. There must be one out there somewhere. Can't you just imagine the cover of Atheist's Quarterly with a picture of a man on his couch watching the power-block hour on Spike T.V. with a bottle of Gatorade (to fight off the hangover of course). Check out page 27 for "New Things To Do On Sundays" or page 42 for "Satellite T.V.: A Better Dish To Put Money In."

Just a few weeks ago I found out the difference between Atheist (someone who denies the existence of God) and Agnostic (someone who doubts the existence of God). I personally don't like to be labeled with either (not that I'm against being labeled. I'm labeled a lot of things, I just prefer not to have a religion). If I had to pick one or the other I'd have to say I'm Agnostic. I can't say there is no God because no one knows for certain. I just can't confirm that there is one either.

"Why don't you believe in God?" This is a question that I've answered many times to many different people and sadly to too many deaf ears. Because people who ask that question don't really want to know the answer. And it feels like a very patronizing thing when they ask that question, one which is easily the most debated question in history (skipping that thing about chickens and eggs (hint, it was the egg)) and then they don't like your answer. I wouldn't ask you, "what's your favorite colour?" and then get pissed when you say "blue." My answer is, and has always been "I don't believe in God, because I just don't know" by which I mean, that I have never seen any evidence to show me that there is a God. For fuck sakes there's video of Big Foot but in today's technological world, where Kim Kardashian can't take a non-video taped shit, we can't catch a glimpse of the Big Man? Why don't I believe in God? I've got a better question: Why DO you believe in God? The burden of proof really should lie in the believer, shouldn't it? If I told you I saw a unicorn today you'd think I were insane, but why don't you believe me? You obviously can't prove I didn't see one. But when it comes to God, it's a matter of faith. That's what will save your soul.

I went to church as a kid with my parents. The average Sunday we would sit upstairs for a little while, stand up, sing, sit down, pray, stand up, pray, sit down, listen, pray, sing, stand up, sit down, and then it would be time for the kids to come up to the front, listen to the minister for a little bit and then go down stairs to listen to some stories, colour some pictures, sing some songs etc. And I didn't always pay attention but I had the basic idea that there was once this guy, Jesus, who was a pretty nice guy, loved a lot of people, and that he died, and then came back for a bit, and then went to Heaven. Not the most captivating story but if you sit still long enough you could have some cookies. Well in the end, all I really took from Sunday school was that this was a story. Not history. And as I got older and absorbed more about religion than what I learnt at church it sort of dawned on me that the world doesn't argue over history the way they do over religion. We share a history, we fight over a religion. There have been thousands of Gods in the past and you want to "get all up in my grill" because I believe in one less than you do? You're almost as much an atheist as I am! But I have reason to believe that animals evolved, and big bangs made the planets, and I like boobs because it's my natural instinct.

I would never want to shake someone else's faith. I don't particularly like the God conversation because all it takes is one little seed of doubt to take hold and grow like a virus pulling the walls of your faith down. And it doesn't hurt to have faith. For people that have got it, rock on. There is always someone there for you to turn to, whereas I have to pay a shrink a couple hundred dollars an hour to listen to how shitty my job is. And even if I ask her to fix it, she's just going to make a not on a pad and add it to my file. Faith is a lot like love: it can grow, and it can fade, you can find it or lose it, it can build slowly or shatter in an instant. And just like love, you can't force it and you can't fake it. It's either there or it's not.

Why don't I believe in God?........ I guess that's just the way God made me.

DB

The Impossible List

Last summer, Esquire magazine devoted an issue to the the impossible. It was full of articles on impossible things like the sky dive from space that red bull is sponsoring, or living with a house full of ants (you'll never get the idea of drinking a glass of water full of ants out of your head after hearing Tom Junod describe it. http://www.esquire.com/features/argentine-ant-control-0810), and how there is a point in every man's life when it becomes impossible to feel good about winning an argument with your father. So just to expand on that list, here are some things that are impossible.

It is impossible to listen to "low rider" by War without feeling like you're a pimp.

It is impossible to to find a job. And it is impossible to be rejected for a month and a half without taking it personally.

It's impossible to forget your first kiss.

It is impossible to get a dozen friends to agree on one restaurant for dinner.

Thanks to jeopardy, it is impossible to watch any trivia show and not shout the answers in the form of a question.

It's impossible to read "of mice and men" without loving Lenny, and crying at the end.

It's impossible to believe that Ozzy Osbourne is still alive, let alone still making music. Damn good music.

It's impossible to take Lady Gaga seriously in any form. You're not an artist, you're not cool, you're not modern. You're a moron.

It's impossible to think that there's ever going to be another movie made that isn't a sequel or in 3D. Seriously, what the fuck hollywood? We don't need another Ice Age or Beverly Hills Chihuahua.

It's impossible to stay off of Facebook. It sucks your soul straight through your face.

It's impossible to imagine life without a cell phone.

It's impossible to ever have as much fun as you did the first time you played with a slinkey.

It's impossible to be the coolest person you know. If you think you are... well there's your proof.

It's impossible to win the lottery.